Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.