ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
are there any atheist mantises?
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.