Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

Every
Single
Year

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.