ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
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The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet