Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?