Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

what’s really going on

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

My time has come.

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

ㅤ

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

ㅤ

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy