Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..