me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
January has been Januweary
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.