Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.