Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.