Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Time heals everything 🙂
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.