Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
absolutely not
