Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs