Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.