Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping