Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
incredible google review i just found