Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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What a website
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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