Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy