Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.