Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok