Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 馃幎Like a good neighbor, state farm is there馃幎
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Sing like no one鈥檚 listening
Dance like no one鈥檚 watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one鈥檚 going to call the police
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob鈥檚 Feet.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
He wasn鈥檛 even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I am leaving Twitter. I can鈥檛 take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Sheep
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it鈥檚 gross to pee in your bikini.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
