Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
