Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
🏙👨🏼
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
had to share :’)
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
