Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.