Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
A short story of betrayal:
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
cry laughing at this shit
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
