Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
