Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

pelicons

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe