Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

mumsnet is amazing

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years