Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 馃幎Like a good neighbor, state farm is there馃幎
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: You鈥檙e dumping me because I never listen and you鈥檙e gay!?
Boyfriend: 鈥o. I said I鈥檓 dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Raisins are grape jerky.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
ME: it鈥檚 like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
