Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My dad is at it again
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Yes
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
