Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.