Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Straight people are cancelled

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies