Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Bootstraps

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.