Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

What about a To-Don’t List?

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Air pods looking like an angry frog

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay