Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

#Caturday

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames