ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Yup!
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*