ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.