ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Mornin. * use accordingly
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones