Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Never ghost your hitman.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I’m calling the cops.
