Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO![]()
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Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.