Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross