Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
im 7 sauces long
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh