Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

i think we should see other cousins

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there