me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.