Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy