Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.