Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
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Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes