me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
True?
