Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.