Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

This is me 🤣🤣

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

accurate

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds