Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Smells like a challenge to me
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon