Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
oh u like geography? name every lake
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.