Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

me hitting on a model

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx