Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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Doctors texting each other.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Happy Star Wars day!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.