Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol