me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on