me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
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[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I can also cook 😂
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: