me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
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Social distancing in Australia:
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…