Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?