Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
This guy’s not having it 😆
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
my professor scared me for a second
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason