Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Okey dokey.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.