Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
9 circles of hell in this economy?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!