Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.