Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm