ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to