Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.