Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I hate everything
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.