Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

Support your local cemetery

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.