Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also