Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

ㅤ

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

A leaf blower, but for people.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world