Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
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4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.