@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

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@beefman138

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

@adamjest

Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.

@jilltwiss

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

@OrangeFact

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@DaveWeasel

The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.

@KentWGraham

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

@Mike_It_Is

When I call her “Hun,” it’s not short for honey. It’s short for Attila.

@TEXASVETERAN

Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.