Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.


Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.


I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.


*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied



ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*


me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun


The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.


Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.


When I call her “Hun,” it’s not short for honey. It’s short for Attila.


Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.