Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

Happy Taco Tuesday

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…