Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail