Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.